Breakdown After Bootcamp

At 6:25 am last Tuesday, my dear friend, Becky Crenshaw listened as I poured out my heart behind her van after pouring out sweat in her boot camp class.

My boot may have been sore that morning, but the aching in my soul surpassed any physical pain at that moment.

As I cried and unloaded my hurts, I uttered these words, "I don't know what's wrong with me.  I use to have it all together."

Then Becky said something that I will not soon forget. She hugged me and lovingly said,

"No you didn't, Sue.  You never had it all together."

At first, this may seem like I might need to find a new friend. {smile--I love me some Becky Crenshaw!}
A true friend tells you the truth in love.

She went on to explain that when we don't have it all together, we recognize our need for Jesus.  When we think we have it all together, we overlook Him in our lives.

The place I was at spiritually last Tuesday was right where Jesus wanted me to be.  He wanted me to recognize my brokenness, my un-togetherness, my need, and that He is the only glue that can hold me together.

When I use to think I had it all together, I was a beautiful mess, only I tried to pretend I was fine.  The truth was I was faking it so well that I had myself fooled.  I wouldn't allow myself to go too deep, because I was afraid of what I would discover in the depths of my soul.  I lived on the surface and on the surface, I looked pretty good.

I had reached a plateau in my healing and freedom and I was comfortable being at that level.  I think a part of me feared going deeper, afraid of what I might find in the deep.

However, it isn't what is on the surface that the Lord is interested in.  He wants access to the deep places.  And He wants us to go there with Him.  When we feel like we have it all together, chances are we are living surface level lives, depending on our own strength, in deceptive self-sufficiency.

I am on a journey of discovering that I can do nothing on my own. Without Jesus, I am nothing.  With Jesus, I can do all things.

The beautiful thing about not having it all together is that the pressure of pretense evaporates.  It is only grace that keep us and it is only grace that can change us and mold us into all God has created us to be.

We should always be on a journey of growing in the Lord, however, it is not up to us to change.  The more effort we put into changing on our own, the more exhausted and frustrated we will be, because in and of ourselves we are powerless to change.  The power of the Holy Spirit inside of us is the only One who can truly change us.

The truth is we will never have it all together until Jesus comes back for His bride.  How freeing to know that we don't have to have it all together, and in fact, we are powerless on our own.  With this revelation, we are free to just be as the Lord works on putting us together for His purposes.  

The moment I again start thinking I have it all together, Lord please give me another kick in the boot to a deeper level.  Father, humble me right back to the place of grace.