My husband held me as I sobbed uncontrollably. His arms comforted and calmed me as the broken pieces of my heart violently shook inside, desperate for healing.
How could I have reacted that way? How could I have responded in such a disrespectful manner towards a friend?
I was hurting. Angry. And you know what they say, "Hurting people hurt people." Only, I NEVER act like that. Not now. Not anymore. Where did that come from?
I knew I needed the Lord to intervene.
I won't go into all of it here. It would be too much to write. Some things have happened that have shook my foundation to the core -- and as it would happen, it was my core that the Lord wanted to expose.
"Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock; and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock. But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand; and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall." Matthew 7:24-27
Apparently, my foundation was a little shaky. Rains had come. Floods had come. Winds blew. I was beat. I tried to stand, but I was wobbly. I fell.
My security and identity were not planted as firmly as they needed to be on the Rock. I had built part of my identity on something false. I thought I was firmly planted, but the foundation was sand. God revealed to me that I had placed much of my identity in my leadership roles and having a place of position in my local church. God recently led us to step away and subsequently He stripped those away. With that identity now gone, I was feeling lost and insecure. In addition, I have experienced great rejection lately and I had struggled with the fear of rejection for years. All of this added together made for quite a messy concoction.
This mess was dirtying my heart and when a button was pushed that hit the fresh wound, the pain created a reaction resulting in yuck spewing out.
As I reread this, it sounds a little like I am justifying this unwanted reaction. However, there is no justification for sin.
My heart was broken over my sin. I apologized profusely to my friend and asked for her forgiveness. I asked the Lord to forgive me.
In addition, I had let myself and a friend down in how I had responded. I had failed to measure up to my ideal. Lord, help me! Right at that moment, the Lord spoke to me through the book "What Happens When Women Say Yes to God." I opened up the book and saw this:
"Satan wants to catch us off guard and use our reactions against us. He loves to whisper, 'If you can't be godly and obedient in the small mishaps of life, how do you think you're going to be able to pass the bigger tests and trials?' So in the quietness of our hearts we ponder our reactions to life's situations. And if we find our attitude wanting, we label ourselves unable....
I am not a woman who should be labeled unable. I am a woman on a journey of learning how to make sure my reactions don't deny Christ's presence in me. I am a woman who says yes to God not because my emotions and reactions are always perfect. No, I say yes to God because he is perfectly able to forgive me, love me, remind me, challenge me, and show me how to weather trials in ways that prove His Spirit resides in me. I remind myself often that people don't care to meet my Jesus until they meet the reality of Jesus in my life." pg. 70
Yes, I failed that day. However, that does not mean I am a failure. It means I am a human in desperate need of my Savior.
I believe part of the reason the Lord has recently stripped away the things I had built a false sense of security on is so He could make room to rebuild a new firm foundation.
My foundation has to be on the Rock. Nothing less will do. My foundation cannot be on what others think of me, my relationships, my positions, my parenting, my job, my activities, my actions or reactions.
We cannot tie our identities to anything other than Christ. When that piece of our identity is lost or doesn't measure up to our set standards, we will feel insecure and lost. Jesus has to be enough. Jesus is enough.
If our foundation is anything other than Christ, we will fall short and when we do, we will fall.
The Rock is the only solid structure that will support our frail human condition. So then, when the rains descend, and the floods come, and the winds rage and beat against you (the house of the Lord), you will not fall. You will then stand firm, securely founded in your identity in Him.
Have you built your foundation on anything other than Christ? Is the Lord speaking to you about anything you have based your identity on other than Him? Are you ready to ask Him to reveal these sandy structures in your heart and ask Him to replace them with the firm foundation of Jesus?
Oh Lord, how we need you. Father, we are desperate for you. Build our house, build us on the firm foundation of Jesus Christ. Let us not hold onto any sense of false security. Reveal the wobbly structures of our lives. Show us anything we have built up to serve as our foundation where only the Rock should be. Remove the false security. Break it down to make room to rebuild our foundation on You and Your truth. We love you. In Jesus' Name, Amen.