Kudos to Downton Abbey

I have a confession to make.  I love the show Downton Abbey.  There aren't too many shows the Holy Spirit will let me watch on television (seriously), so when I find one that has His approval, I am THRILLED!!

For those of you not familiar with Downton Abbey, it is a beautiful portrayal of life for the super wealthy in the early 1900's.

I actually had on my mind to write this blog on their nightly tradition of mealtime centered around a table followed by a time of fellowship in the "drawing room", and how we need to take a lesson from the importance they placed on that daily practice.

I may expound on that topic at another point, but this last Sunday night's episode peeked another subject matter in need of highlighting. (Warning: Spoiler Alert if you missed Sunday.)  

Last night 10.2 million viewers watched and gasped as Edith wrestled with whether to abort her unborn child.  In the moments of her waiting in the "doctor's" office while she listened to the cries of one who had previously chosen death, it was as if 10 million people all at once pleaded with a fictional TV character, "NOOOOO, don't do it!!!"

The TV show did a fairly decent depiction of the issues surrounding abortion.  It was very secretive. Edith realized she may not be able to be around babies ever again due to the pain it would cause her.  She knew she would have to live with a lie and the fact that she had killed the baby she wanted from the man she loved. She acknowledged that it was indeed a baby.

However, I have to wonder.  Was there one person out there in TV land watching that was rooting for Edith to choose death?  Was there one person out of 10 million that thought, "That's right, Edith.  You have to do that, it is the only way for you to have the life you want."  Or could every single person out there see that if she would have chosen death, that death would have followed her home.

Abortion doesn't solve any crisis, it only creates further chaos.  The very thing promised to quiet the consequences of choices, brings silent chains of despair, grief, and shame.

If Edith would have chosen abortion, I can predict what would have followed.  I can predict it because I have lived it.  She would have fallen into a deep depression followed and accompanied by self-destructive behaviors.  She would have shunned close interaction with her nephew and niece and other babies while coddling her destructive secret.  She would have withdrawn from her family, feeling unworthy with her lie tucked safely behind a mask.  Her life would never be the same and the shadow of her "choice" would have followed her relentlessly whispering words of condemnation and guilt.

I wonder if everyone watching saw the two roads ahead of Edith.  One ending in life.  One ending in death. Or, if my perceptions were sharpened due to experience.  However, if 10 million viewers were on edge for her to choose life, would they also react the same in reality.  If it was a friend, a neighbor, a relative, a daughter, or self?  Would they be rooting for life then?  Or would the circumstances surrounding the decision cloud their thoughts?

One is a pretend baby in TV land.  However, every day 125,000 abortions are performed.  125,000 babies' lives ended today due to a choice.  This isn't pretend.  This isn't TV.  This is real and this is horrid.  If that number doesn't shock you, I pray you would get down on your knees and ask why it doesn't.

While I have to give Downton Abbey kudos for being brave enough to show some of the dark realities surrounding abortion, it still doesn't begin to come near to the true darkness that results from an innocent life being taken in the name of choice.

I saw a Planned Parenthood campaign today that said, "Women need safe and legal abortions for valentine's day." http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2014/02/10/planned-parenthood-president-women-need-abortions-for-valentines-day/  and my heart sank.  Abortion is a lie and I won't be quiet about it.  I know some of you may even feel uncomfortable with me talking about it right now, but the truth must be told.

Thank you, Edith, from Downton Abbey, for choosing life.  I pray for those in the real world who are faced with the same decision.  I promise you, abortion will not solve anything, it will only result in despair, pain and regret. Take one breath and trust the Lord.  Babies are a blessing, not a crisis, and never a curse.

"I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live" Deuteronomy 30:19 

"For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them." Ps 139:13-16

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you."  Jeremiah 1:5


 

 

Forgiven and Set Free

I also write a devotional for Deeper Still.  This is an extended version of a post I wrote for them a couple weeks ago.  I thought I would share this personal story with you today.

Darkness loomed all around me as I contemplated sharing my abortion story with my church family.  There was a heaviness on me.  Nausea overcame me at the thought of sharing my "secret".  The medium was harmless enough.  I wouldn't have to speak.  A flat piece of cardboard would be my voice. However,  that small brown rectangle would contain words that could forever alter my world.  The front read:

"Abortion at 19, locked in a prison of shame and guilt."  

How could a little paper box top be so heavy?

Trying to get this decision off my mind, that night we decided to watch the movie, Narnia, for family movie night.  As I watched the movie, I realized it was no coincidence we were watching this particular movie this particular night.  We came to the battle scene at the end and I saw clearly what was happening:  There was a fight going on in the heavenlies.  There was a battle raging.  Forces of darkness fighting to keep me silent while angelic forces were fighting for my freedom.

After the movie I knew I had to share my testimony.  I knew it might not be easy and honestly, that little piece of cardboard was too heavy for me to bear on my own.  I needed the One who is strong when we are weak--Jesus.

It was time for rehearsal.  My stomach began to feel queasy at the thought of my church family seeing my testimony.  The enemy began his deceitful whispers...

What will they think?  They will judge you.  Surely, they will cast you aside in shame.  They won't look at you the same again.   

I stood in line behind other ladies with cardboards bearing their stories of redemption and grace.  The lady in front of me noticed I wasn't feeling well.  I told her I thought I might throw up and that I didn't know if I could go through with it.  She gently encouraged me, "Let me see your cardboard."  Reluctantly, I showed her my cardboard. Then, she leaned over and gently whispered, "I could have put that on my cardboard."

Immediately, I knew God had put me in that place and knew exactly what I needed to encourage me.  She reminded me of why I was there.  She reminded me of all the ladies like her, like me, who needed to hear about God's grace, mercy and forgiveness.  She reminded me of my purpose in being there--FREEDOM for her and all the ladies who shared our story.

The front of the cardboard was only half of my story.  The back of the cardboard held the truth of redemption.

I walked across the stage knowing God had placed me there.  Knowing His purpose was far greater than my fears.

Jesus, carried the load for me, and lifted the heaviness of it.

I turned the cardboard over.  On the back read:

"Forgiven and set free by the blood of Jesus."

As I turned it over, the cardboard became light and a weight was forever lifted.

There was a battle--one side wanting to keep me bound in chains and the other side wanting me free.   The enemy doesn't want the truth about God's grace, forgiveness and mercy broadcasted.  Satan would like nothing better than for those with this past sin or other sins to believe they are forever condemned to live with shame and guilt.

Yes, abortion is a grotesque sin.  It leaves one with blood-stained hands.  However, the blood of Jesus was shed even for those guilty of blood shed themselves.  His blood washes our hands white as snow.  So thankful for Jesus.  So thankful for His grace, love and forgiveness.  No, I don't deserve His grace, none of us do.  But, He offers it freely none the less.

I want to encourage you today.  If you are still living under condemnation due to past sin, give it to Him today.  Receive the forgiveness and grace He died to give you.  You are truly "Forgiven and set free by the blood of Jesus."

Power Verses: 

"And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony." Revelations 12:11 

"Though your sins are like scarlet, They shall be as white as snow" Isaiah 1:18

"I have blotted out, like a thick cloud, your transgressions, and like a cloud, your sins.  Return to Me, for I have redeemed you."  Isaiah 44:22

# Amazed--What Happens When We Say Yes

I am so excited to introduce you to a sweet friend God put in my life about one year ago.  I met Lelia Chealey at the She Speaks Conference in 2012 and sometimes God connects you with friends that you just know need to remain in your life. 

Lelia writes at www.leliachealey.com is currently working on a book for women encouraging them to stop hiding among the baggage of their past and let God use their story for His glory.  Lelia has also led 5 blog on-line Bible studies with author interaction from March 2008-June 2009 known as YES to GOD Tuesday’s with women all over the United States, Malaysia and even Australia.

Lelia contacted me and wanted to write a guest post today to go along with the Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study, “What Happens When Women Say Yes to God” because this study impacted her life in amazing ways.  Thank you Lelia for giving your time to share with us today! -Sue 

#Amazed--What Happens When We Say Yes

I got out of my car and walked into my house in tears. I was supposed to be on my way to meet my sister and mom for some shopping, but instead I was standing in front of my husband crying. Before I took off on my afternoon shopping trip, my phone alerted me of a private message on Facebook. A message that would become my proof that when we say yes to God with the good and the bad, He will use us in ways that will leave us bewildered, excited and in awe of just how great He is.

I read the message to my husband and he immediately began to praise God with me. Back in 2002, I found myself sitting in an abortion clinic. A Christian wife and mom of three, I knew what I was choosing to do was wrong, but selfishly I took the life of the baby that was not from my husband. After a long journey of forgiveness & healing from adultery and abortion, God asked me to trust Him with my story. In 2008, for the first time He asked me to share my story publicly and I said yes.

Over the last 5 years, I have had many opportunities to share of God’s redeeming love through writing and in the last year, through speaking engagements. However, this Facebook message from a complete stranger would not only unleash praise, it would encourage me to keep saying yes to the Chief Shepherd.

Hi Lelia,

You don’t know me, but I just wanted you to know that your post on abortion showed up on 

my friends ‘news feed on Facebook on Thursday. It is what kept going through the mind of my 

daughter who just found out she was pregnant, and because of a previous difficult pregnancy, 

felt she sort of had no choice, but to have an abortion. Once again, God has used you to save 

another baby. PRAISE HIM!

I’m humbled and in tears as I write this. His power is SO awesomely obvious. For your post 

to show up when it did…His timing is perfect. Twice, she sat in front of the abortion clinic 

(including this morning), and both times knew that she couldn’t go through with it. I just found 

this out a couple hours ago. I want to thank you for your story and am so sorry you went through 

your painful ordeal. His glory is being exposed in our weaknesses and our imperfections.

Today, my eyes are more opened to HIS grace and His love than they have been in a long time. 

This will be a risky pregnancy, but I know and so does my daughter, that He has it all in control. 

May God continue to bless you and use you for His glory. I just had to let you know how grateful 

am to God and to you for sharing your story on Facebook---it has saved a life in Houston, Texas. 

Ladies, when you say yes to God get ready to be taken to places that only He knows you need to be. I had no idea that a young woman was driving herself to an abortion clinic in Texas on the same day I posted that status on Facebook, but God did.

“The love of Christ compels us to choose obedience.” ~Lysa TerKeurst

The more my Savior loves me and we grow in relationship, the more I want to say yes to Him. I could write all day about what has happened when I have chosen to say yes to God. Lysa sums up my experiences best when she said, “It’s true—God wants it all. And it’s in the exchange of what we want for what God wants that we experience the adventure and freedom and power of saying yes to God.”

Unfortunately, I have many more answers of no to God than I do of saying yes, but what I have learned is that when I trust Him, He will do things in my life and through my life that only He is capable of doing. Just like saving a baby in Houston, Texas. I didn’t do the saving, God did.

I just said yes when He prompted me to write a status about abortion on Facebook. That’s a big God. That’s a God that wants to use us for His glory.

“God is using all of your experiences, both good and bad, to develop your character to match your calling. After all, dear friend, you never know how God will use you until you let Him."

Let Him.

He’ll make your yes worth it.

-Lelia Chealey

Lelia lives in Nebraska and is a wife, mom of three and *very young* grandma of two little girls.
She enjoys girlfriend gatherings at coffee shops over a hot cup of cappuccino whenever she can
get away. She loves sharing God’s greatness through her life, writing and speaking. You can visit
her at her website at www.leliachealey.com

Twenty Years Ago Today...

"O Lord, You have pleaded the case for my soul; You have redeemed my life." Lamentations 3:58

"For the day of vengeance [is] in My heart, And the year of My redeemed has come."  Isaiah 63:4

Twenty years ago today, I made a decision that would affect the rest of my life.  July 11, 1993, I went to Champaign, Illinois to have an abortion.  It seemed like an easy and quick solution at the time.  I had no idea how it would impact my life.

Here is the link in case you want to read my story:  http://livingfreeinhim.blogspot.com/p/my-story.html

Let's now fast forward...to a year ago.

I was sitting at a fundraiser for a local crisis pregnancy center listening to Pam Tebow share her testimony.  She shared about the good decision she made to carry Tim Tebow against the doctor's advice. She was ill at the time and gave birth to a sickly small child.  Well, we all know how that story ends.  It ends well and God is using Tim mightily for His glory.

I left the fundraising dinner broken.  The healing I thought I had received seemed distant and incomplete.  The "What if's" started racing through my mind.  Finally, in desperation and obedience to the Lord, I shared my testimony with my "Living Free in Him" readers for the first time.   

God spoke to me at the dinner that night.  He told me it was time to share my story with you and it was time to go deeper.

A few weeks after the fundraising event, I called my friend, Emily, to talk to her about speech therapy (at least that is why I thought I was calling her).  We are both speech therapists and I wanted to talk to her about a job possibility.  During the conversation, we were catching up on lost time and I asked her what she was doing in ministry.  She excitedly told me about the Deeper Still Ministry and how she came to be involved and what she was doing on the ministry team.  Immediately I knew this was no ordinary conversation...it was God-appointed. 

After our conversation, I decided to attend the training for the Deeper Still Ministry Team.  I did not really know why I was going other than I was just suppose to go.

Then, just a few months ago in April, I attended a retreat.  It was amazing!!! It was like nothing I had ever experienced before in ministry or my healing journey!!!  You can read more about it  here.

Now today, exactly 20 years after my story began, I have the blessing and opportunity to minister to others who are in need of healing due to abortion.

Today, I leave to minister on the Deeper Still Ministry Team at a retreat this weekend.

Eleven women with an abortion wounded heart will discover freedom and know God's love, grace and forgiveness in a way they have yet to experience it.   It is overwhelming when I think of how good our God is and how His timing is unfathomably perfect.  Before writing this post, I hadn't given the timing much thought. However, it is no doubt God-ordained and His love continues to amaze me.   

As my friend, Emily, said "God not only redeems us, He redeems the day."  Thank you, God, for redeeming the day.  I can think of no better way to honor the memory of my daughter in heaven, Kori Danielle, than to help others find freedom and healing in Jesus Christ.

If you or anyone you know has had an abortion, you can go to www.godeeperstill.org to see how you or someone you love can attend a retreat and find complete freedom and healing from an abortion wounded heart. 

If you would like to join us in praying for these 11 women this weekend, go to www.deeperstilldevotions.blogspot.com to see how you can pray. 

Deeper Still

Last weekend I went on a retreat.

The retreat was only about 45 minutes away in Maryville, Tennessee.  Well, it is only 45 minutes away if you aren't directionally challenged.  If you are directionally challenged (ahem...like me), it may take you 2 hours.  {smile}  *sigh*

After I finally figured out the direction I was suppose to be heading, I found myself going up and up a mountain.  The retreat was literally at the top of a mountain overlooking the beautiful Smokey Mountains.

I knew the Lord had led me to go to this retreat, but I wasn't sure why he wanted me there. This retreat was for women who are post-abortive.  If you have read my story at the top of the page, you know that I had an abortion in 1993, when I was 19 years old.  God has led me on a journey of healing and freedom since I rededicated my life to Him in 1998.  It has been a long process, but I felt healed and didn't think I needed any more freedom or healing.

So, why would God lead me to a retreat for more healing when I was already healed?

To go deeper still.  

The name of the ministry and retreat is "Deeper Still".  I didn't realize that when I was driving up to the top of that mountain, that God was also leading me to a spiritual mountaintop experience.

It was as if the mountaintop was a satellite and the atmosphere created a cell phone with a clear signal to hear the Lord.  He didn't have to keep asking, "Can you hear me now?"  I HEARD HIM CLEARLY!! 

I definitely understood how the disciples felt when they were up on the mountaintop with Jesus and they just wanted to stay there and build tents and never come down.

I won't be able to share everything He spoke to me.  I found a deeper healing.  God really did go deeper still.  I am going to share three ways the Lord spoke to me on the mountaintop last weekend.

The first experience was when one of the ministry team members told me my child (whom I aborted) loves me.  Sobbing, I said to the Lord, "How...how could she love me?"  He answered quickly...

"Sue, all she has ever known is My love.  How could she not love you?"  

My heart soaked in His loving response filling a deep wound as I accepted my daughter's love.

Another experience I want to share is a vision God gave me during a time of praise and worship.  Often during praise and worship, I picture myself dancing with Jesus.

In "A Story of Redemption", I share a vision of my daughter dancing with Jesus.  Although, I visualize myself dancing with Jesus and I can envision my daughter dancing with Jesus in heaven, I had never put myself and my daughter in the SAME picture with Jesus.

I had never entered into that picture to be with her.  Before this past weekend, it was too painful.  I felt unworthy to be in the picture, unworthy to hold my daughter, unworthy to dance with her.  During praise and worship up on the mountain,...

the Lord freed me to enter into that picture and dance with my daughter 

and embrace her in my arms with joy.

The third revelation I would like to share has to do with my child's name.  The Lord had revealed to me years ago that my child is a girl and her name is "Kori".   However, she didn't have a middle name.  During the weekend, many of the other participants at the retreat had middle names for their children in heaven.  I spoke to the Lord and said, "Lord, I would like to know my child's middle name."  Almost immediately, the name came...

Danielle. 

Her name is "Kori Danielle".  

With excited anticipation, I looked up the names "Kori" and "Danielle" when I came home from the retreat.

 "Kori" means "God's peace."  Don't you just love that?

However, when I looked up "Danielle",  I was not so excited.  I saw the meaning and I actually kept looking at other baby name websites thinking "Surely it doesn't mean that.  I don't like that.  Maybe I didn't hear from God.  I really don't like that meaning." 

However, all the baby name websites agreed. "Danielle" means "God is our Judge."

I thought "I don't like that meaning, that sounds harsh."  Then I asked the Lord about it. He said,

"I AM your Judge 

and I have found you innocent.  

No one else can judge you.  

And if they try to judge you, 

know that I AM your Judge 

and have found you innocent." 

The name is perfect.  He is perfect.  His love amazes me.  I could tell you even more He revealed to me over that weekend at the Deeper Still Retreat, but it will have to wait for another time.

Beloved friends, if you or anyone you know has had an abortion, I strongly encourage you to visit www.godeeperstill.org .  I thought I was free (I even have a blog about freedom!).  He desires to heal every wounded area of your heart, finish the good work He has begun in you, and set you completely free in Him.
 He loves you so much.

There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus (Rom 8:1). 

He has removed your sins as far as the east is from the west (Ps 103:12).  

Though your sins were as scarlet, He has made you white as snow (Isaiah 1:18).  

You are a child of the MOST HIGH GOD.  He is your Judge and YOU have been found innocent because of the Blood of Jesus. 

White Crosses

Engraved in my memory is a vision forever imprinted in my mind...  White crosses. 

I was nineteen, a sophomore in college at the University of Illinois.  Wounded. Broken. Depressed. Hopeless.  I was angry at myself.  Angry at life.  Angry at people.  Angry at God.

The dogwood trees were blooming, shouting new life for all who passed.  The white blossoms sprinkled the blanket of emerald grass.  Squirrels scurried up and down the trees gathering nuts.  Spring bursted with life.

However, all I saw was death.

I saw the crosses from a distance and as I passed by I read a sign.  The sign said,

"Each cross represents the death of 1 million babies aborted."  

There was a sweet college student by the white crosses handing out brochures.  She was only doing what she felt was best.  She was only taking a stand for life.  She didn't know I was wounded, broken, depressed, and hopeless.   Those crosses imprinted in my mind, burned a hole in my wounded heart that day.  HOW DARE THEY!  

How dare they put up those crosses!  How dare they make a marker for a grave that was never dug!  How dare they make this statement that with abortion there would be one dead, in need of a tombstone, in need of a white cross. Don't they know!  Don't they know the pain this causes?  Don't they care?  They don't know what I have been through.  They don't understand my pain. 

Lord, forgive me.  I am sure that sweet little girl by the crosses didn't know what hit her.  I spewed out all my hurt, all my pain, all my anger on that poor sweet innocent girl.  Then, I ran and cried all the way back to my dorm.  Broken. Wounded.  Depressed. Hopeless.  

Unleashing my anger on that girl didn't stop the bleeding.  It didn't heal my pain.  I was hemorrhaging on the inside, bruised by my own affliction.  Those white crosses on that field of green revealed the deadness in me and my need for the Cross of Jesus, the only one who could heal my wounds and free me from the tormenting chains of shame, guilt, and anger.  

Yesterday, January 20th was Sanctity of Life Sunday.  Perhaps you passed by some white crosses yesterday. 

Anytime abortion is addressed, it can cause people to get defensive or squirmy or angry.  Abortion is a polarizing topic.  My intent is not to polarize, but inform from the view of one who has had an abortion.

Women who have had abortions can often feel stuck in the middle of two groups.  Pro-choicers do not want to hear about post-abortive women's heartache and hurt due to their abortion.   Pro-lifers can be well-intended, although non-empathetic at times, disregarding the feelings of women who have had an abortion.  This is not true of everyone in either group, but rather a generality.  

Yes, there is a baby involved here too.  And people should be educated and informed about the truth regarding life and abortion.  With today's technology, we know life begins at conception.  We know that a baby's heart beats by day 22.  We know babies have hands, feet, fingers, and toes at 10 weeks (many abortions occur at 10 weeks).  All this is true and there are many more scientific facts to support that a fetus is indeed a human being.  

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you."  Jeremiah 1:5 

However, I want to be a voice not only for the babies but for the women who grieve over them.  Many women were deceived into believing it was only a choice.  Many women bought the lie it was only a glob of tissue or cells.  

If you know anything about my story, you know I have had an abortion and I am now pro-life. If you do not know my story, you can read it here.   

However, I have to tell you, I still flinch at the site of white crosses.  I know well-intended pro-lifers are just  making a stand for life with a visual to represent the 54 million babies aborted since Roe Vs Wade.  They don't realize that cross is a stake driven into the already wounded heart of a post-abortive woman.  As much as their baby is in need of a white cross, they need the Cross.  Women need to know that the sprinkling of Jesus's blood covers this sin and makes them as white as the Dogwood blossoms sprinkling the ground that day.

"Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow."  Isaiah 1:18

Jesus loves you.  He forgives you.  Forgive yourself.  Receive His forgiveness.  Receive His love.  Trade in the white cross symbolizing death for THE CROSS knowing that He gives you NEW LIFE in Him. 

If you are a woman who has had an abortion, I want to encourage you to go to www.godeeperstill.org and find complete healing in the arms of our Savior Jesus.  There are groups of people who care about your healing.  You are also welcome to contact me.  I would love to pray with you and minister to you.  

With much love,

More of My Story

The blue velvety interior of the car did not seem as soft that day.  The sun was shining bright outside, but inside me there was a dark cloud.  Numb, I looked out the window with eyes vacant and empty.  Fresh memories of screaming from pain and uncontrollable tears flooded my mind.  This car ride of one and half hours would feel like an eternity.   All I wanted was for my life to go "back to normal".  All I wanted was to finish college, get married and live the dream.  Why did this have to happen to me?  Why did I have to get pregnant?  Miserable. Full of despair.  Hopeless.  I thought this trip would give me my dream.  I thought this decision would be the answer.  Instead, it gave me an unexpected nightmare of grief, loss, depression, guilt, shame, and unshakable feelings of unworthiness.  Bondage.  A part of me was ripped from me that day.  A part of me died that day.  I would find Jesus to be the only one who could mend the endless hole.  Jesus would be the only one who could restore my life......

             I grew up in a Christian home and went to church every Sunday.  I accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and savior when I was 4 years old.  I remember that day.  It was real and I loved Jesus.  I lived for the Lord until my teenage years, then I started drifting away.  The drifting turned into a falling until I was living a lifestyle of full-fledged sin with no evidence of my Christian foundation. By the time I entered college, I couldn't stand who I had become, but I didn't want to stop the sinful lifestyle. I found comfort in a bottle that dimmed the pain of reality.   I made countless bad decisions that cluttered my heart with regret.  My relationship with Jesus was all but a past memory.   Part of me still longed to know Him again, but not enough to exchange my lifestyle of sin for a life full of His glory.  (Looking back, I don't understand why anyone wouldn't make that exchange!)   

              My life was one debris pile of bad decisions, and then at age 19, I found out I was pregnant. With my heart stone-hard with sin, I made a decision that would cast a dark shadow for years and forever affect my life.  I made the decision to have an abortion.

             Instead of waking up to the destructive patterns in my life, I invited more destruction.  Every day when I woke up for over a year, I was tormented by the choice I made.  EVERYDAY.  I fell into depression and chose to drink excessively in an attempt to cover the hurt only the blood of Jesus could cover.  I felt unworthy of love so I settled for cheap counterfeits.  The more I attempted to dull the hurt, the more I hurt, so I attempted to dull the hurt more.  It was a vicious cycle that would have led to death had I continued.  

              However, during that time, the Lord never forgot me.  He was there, grieving over my sin.  He was there  waiting for the little girl who use to walk with Him to come back to Him.  He was waiting there with arms open with love to be my Comforter and Restorer.  

              Two years after the abortion,  I hit my rock bottom.  I woke up and I couldn't stand the person I had become.  Where was the sweet girl who use to be in love with Jesus?  That pivotal Sunday morning,  I literally ran from church to church crying.  It was past "church time" and it was finals week, so I had difficulty finding someone who would talk to me.  I needed someone to help me out of my vicious cycle.  I needed God.  Someone did talk to me that day.  A sweet college girl took time out of studying for her finals to talk to me.  I wish I could remember her name.   God helped me that day.  I didn't completely give my life over to Christ that day, but He did help me stop the destructive patterns.  It was two weeks after that morning that God brought Chris, my husband, into my life.  He used Chris to demonstrate His love to a girl who felt unworthy of anyone's love.

In 1998,  Chris and I got married and about two months later made a decision to completely turn our backs on our old lives and rededicate our lives to Christ.  I began attending church again for the first time since high school.  However, I felt like no one could ever know of the sinful lifestyle of my past, especially about the abortion.  I really thought I was the only one who had a clouded past and everyone else in church had always lived for the Lord.  I know it sounds crazy, but that is how I felt.  I was a Christian locked in a prison of shame.  I felt unworthy to be around other Christians.  I felt like I had a scarlet A written across my forehead.  Satan lies and tries to tell us we are the only one, we cannot tell anyone. "Keep it a secret.  You can't tell anyone.  What will they think?"  However, God says we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony.  

God started chiseling away and began reconstruction on me right away!  A friend, Jill (love her!), invited me to a bible study.  She was a living picture of His grace and love.   Through the Word of God and the love of other believers, God began to show me His grace, mercy and forgiveness.  He began to show me who He was and who I was.

My heart longed to be like the other Christians I saw at my church.  They seemed to have it all together.  I wanted to really know Jesus like they knew Jesus, I wanted a peaceful countenance and confidence.  I wanted healing.  I wanted freedom.  My self-image was torn down to where it matched the pile of debris left by my strain of poor choices.  It took years of renewing my mind through His Word to   increase my self-image to where it should be, which is that of a child of a King, because I am.   

Though my sins were as scarlet, He has made me white as snow (Is 1:18).  When we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive all our sins and cleanse us from ALL unrighteous (1 John 1:9).  If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new  (2 Cor 5:17).  My identity is not in my past, my identity is in Him.  

He has completely transformed my life by His Word, His Blood and His stripes.  I have been transformed by the renewing of my mind to His Word.   The blood of Jesus cleansed me from all my sins.  All my sin was nailed to the cross with Him, and He remembers them no more (Is 23:45).   By His stripes I have been healed.   My heart once broken and ripped has been completely mended and made new. 

He took my pile of garbage and gave me a crown of glory. What an exchange!  What a glorious Savior!  He has completely restored my life....He has given me beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of heaviness (Is 61:3).  

He wants to do the same with you.....have you made the exchange?  Have you traded in your pile of junk for a life full of His beauty?  Give it to Him, whatever it is.....  Your story may be similar to mine or maybe you feel unworthy of God's love from other sins or circumstances that were not your fault.  God wants to take your life and start chiseling away what needs to be removed and rebuild the areas beaten down by years of brokenness. 

Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows;  

Yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.  

But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; 

The chastisement of our peace was upon Him, 

And by His stripes we are healed.  Is 53:4-5

Receive His healing power today in your life.  

Thank you for letting me share a part of my story with you.  I pray it brings you another step closer to freedom in Him.  I felt God wanted me to share this part with you as well before moving on.   In the next post, I promise there will be a much more light-hearted story about ice cream.  : ) 

With Love, praying for you to know the resurrection and restoration power of Jesus,

Story of Redemption

This story of redemption begins with an eighteen year old girl.  Her jet black hair drapes her back in waves and compliments her olive tinted skin and green/hazel eyes.  Gracefully she walks through the meadow.  Her countenance glows with beauty and innocence. 

She takes the hand of a man near and he twirls her around and around.  The sunlight glistens as it shines on her long locks of hair.  Radiant and peaceful, she runs free from care.  She lovingly jumps into the arms of  the only father she has ever known. 

This beautiful girl has never set foot on earth. The only home she has ever known is heaven.  The only Father she has ever known is God.

Her life is one of 54 million that never were given a chance to live.  54 million is the number of abortions that have occurred since Roe vs Wade and killing the unborn became a legalized choice.

A life taken, never given a choice.  A life quieted, never given a voice.

I know this choice well.  I am not one speaking in judgement or as one who cannot relate.  I know the hard reality of decisions young girls face.  I am not without compassion ready to lecture and judge.

The girl I speak of is.... my daughter whom I dearly love.

A daughter I'll never hold until one day in heaven. 

The grief would be too much if the Father didn't comfort me with His love.


Society calls it "choice", deceiving young women.  They dare not tell the truth. 

The Truth:  Abortion not only takes the life of the unborn, it hurts the very women who are told it is only a choice. Abortion hurts women! It is only because the the redemption blood of Jesus Christ and my relationship with Him that I am free spiritually from the shame and guilt.

This is a story of redemption that continues as God unveils His redemptive plan.  My freedom has been a journey.  My loving husband, two precious sons and beautiful daughter are also a part of that redemptive plan.  My daughter is named Sarah Grace because it is by "Grace" that He has blessed me with a beautiful family and the little girl I didn't deserve.

I will never embrace my first daughter here on this earth, but I will not allow her death to be in vain. The time of silence is over.  It is time to be a voice for those who have none. 

 Lord, I pray you would use me and my testimony for Your glory.  I pray that what Satan meant for evil, that You would use for good, that many would come to know the Truth and be set free by the power of Your Holy Spirit and the redemptive blood of Jesus.  I thank you, Lord, that even though my sins were as scarlet, that you have made me white as snow.  I thank you Lord that you have removed my sins as far as the east is from the west.  I thank you Lord that I will someday see my daughter again and until that time, she is in your loving care. 

In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace.  Ephesians 1:7


Statistics show 1 in 4 women have had an abortion.  If you are one of those women in need of freedom, I have hope for you....there is a Redeemer, His name is Jesus.  He loves you with an everlasting love.  His blood covers all sin.  It is His desire for you to be free.  Jump into His loving arms and let His comfort be yours.

I would be honored to pray for you or speak with you.  Please feel free to contact me.

I will be posting more about my testimony as the Lord leads. 



By Only His Ever Loving Grace Am I Free,