I was nineteen, a sophomore in college at the University of Illinois. Wounded. Broken. Depressed. Hopeless. I was angry at myself. Angry at life. Angry at people. Angry at God.
The dogwood trees were blooming, shouting new life for all who passed. The white blossoms sprinkled the blanket of emerald grass. Squirrels scurried up and down the trees gathering nuts. Spring bursted with life.
However, all I saw was death.
I saw the crosses from a distance and as I passed by I read a sign. The sign said,
"Each cross represents the death of 1 million babies aborted."
There was a sweet college student by the white crosses handing out brochures. She was only doing what she felt was best. She was only taking a stand for life. She didn't know I was wounded, broken, depressed, and hopeless. Those crosses imprinted in my mind, burned a hole in my wounded heart that day. HOW DARE THEY!
How dare they put up those crosses! How dare they make a marker for a grave that was never dug! How dare they make this statement that with abortion there would be one dead, in need of a tombstone, in need of a white cross. Don't they know! Don't they know the pain this causes? Don't they care? They don't know what I have been through. They don't understand my pain.
Lord, forgive me. I am sure that sweet little girl by the crosses didn't know what hit her. I spewed out all my hurt, all my pain, all my anger on that poor sweet innocent girl. Then, I ran and cried all the way back to my dorm. Broken. Wounded. Depressed. Hopeless.
Unleashing my anger on that girl didn't stop the bleeding. It didn't heal my pain. I was hemorrhaging on the inside, bruised by my own affliction. Those white crosses on that field of green revealed the deadness in me and my need for the Cross of Jesus, the only one who could heal my wounds and free me from the tormenting chains of shame, guilt, and anger.
Yesterday, January 20th was Sanctity of Life Sunday. Perhaps you passed by some white crosses yesterday.
Anytime abortion is addressed, it can cause people to get defensive or squirmy or angry. Abortion is a polarizing topic. My intent is not to polarize, but inform from the view of one who has had an abortion.
Women who have had abortions can often feel stuck in the middle of two groups. Pro-choicers do not want to hear about post-abortive women's heartache and hurt due to their abortion. Pro-lifers can be well-intended, although non-empathetic at times, disregarding the feelings of women who have had an abortion. This is not true of everyone in either group, but rather a generality.
Yes, there is a baby involved here too. And people should be educated and informed about the truth regarding life and abortion. With today's technology, we know life begins at conception. We know that a baby's heart beats by day 22. We know babies have hands, feet, fingers, and toes at 10 weeks (many abortions occur at 10 weeks). All this is true and there are many more scientific facts to support that a fetus is indeed a human being.
"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you." Jeremiah 1:5
However, I want to be a voice not only for the babies but for the women who grieve over them. Many women were deceived into believing it was only a choice. Many women bought the lie it was only a glob of tissue or cells.
If you know anything about my story, you know I have had an abortion and I am now pro-life. If you do not know my story, you can read it here.
However, I have to tell you, I still flinch at the site of white crosses. I know well-intended pro-lifers are just making a stand for life with a visual to represent the 54 million babies aborted since Roe Vs Wade. They don't realize that cross is a stake driven into the already wounded heart of a post-abortive woman. As much as their baby is in need of a white cross, they need the Cross. Women need to know that the sprinkling of Jesus's blood covers this sin and makes them as white as the Dogwood blossoms sprinkling the ground that day.
"Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow." Isaiah 1:18
Jesus loves you. He forgives you. Forgive yourself. Receive His forgiveness. Receive His love. Trade in the white cross symbolizing death for THE CROSS knowing that He gives you NEW LIFE in Him.
If you are a woman who has had an abortion, I want to encourage you to go to www.godeeperstill.org and find complete healing in the arms of our Savior Jesus. There are groups of people who care about your healing. You are also welcome to contact me. I would love to pray with you and minister to you.
With much love,