Outside the window that spanned the hotel room wall, the sun slowly rose above the trees as a quiet wake up call. Sunlight streaming into the room is my favorite way to wake up in the morning.
The night before had been incredible. I was at the She Speaks Conference, an event I had been preparing to attend for months. My heart was full of anticipation. That afternoon I would have to give my first ever teaching talk to a peer evaluation group. There were many times leading up to that weekend that I questioned my ability, doubted whether speaking was part of God's plan for me, wondering what in the world I was doing. Now, the day had come for which I had been preparing. Was I ready? Would I forget what I was suppose to say? Can't I please just read from my paper?! No, I knew I couldn't do that. Oh Lord, I pray I will be able to do this!
I looked in my devotional and in God's Word for a word of encouragement, something from the Lord to assure and affirm me.
God directed me to Deuternomy 1:19-40. Only it was not necessarily an encouraging word, but a word of gentle correction from a loving Father. Not exactly what I expected, however, it was exactly what I needed.
He took me to the story of where the Israelites had gone to the promise land and decided that the giants were too big and that they could not enter the promise land God had promised them. God had told them He would give them the land. The Israelites, however, did not believe God. They believed their fears more than God.
"The people are greater and taller than we; the cities are great and fortified up to heaven; moreover we have seen the sons of the Anakim there." (Israelites talking)
Then I (Moses) said to you, "Do not be terrified, or afraid of them. The Lord Your God, who goes before you, He will fight for you, according to all He did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness where you saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son, in all the way that you went until you came to this place.
Yet, for all that, you did not believe the Lord your God." Deut 1: 28-32
My heart sank. Light not only flooded the room as daylight penetrated through the window, the light of God's Word flooded my soul. God spoke to my heart saying,
"Do you think I would take you all the way to this conference just to have your enemies defeat you? Do you think I would bring you all the way here and then leave you?"
I saw how wrong I had been in my self-doubt. I went before the Lord in tears asking for forgiveness for my unbelief. He says in His Word that He will never leave us nor forsake us, that He will equip us for every good work. Did I believe Him?
In my post the other day, I said,
"I thought I doubted myself. However, doubting myself was also doubting the One who created me."
In doubting myself, I was doubting the One who said He has given me everything that pertains to life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). Doubting the One who said He has equipped me for every good work (Heb 13:21).
God revealed to me in that moment an area in which I still need freedom. We are all a work in progress and I am thankful the Lord loves us too much to let us remain stationary. He is a forward moving God, always moving us forward in Him.
On Friday, I will share the teaching talk the Lord gave me to share with my peer evaluation group. The Lord gave me this talk to encourage me, because He knew I needed it to help overcome my self-doubt. The words the Lord gave to me are still encouraging me.
The Lord has started a process of freedom in me for which I am thankful. He has freed me from many areas in my life. As He unveils this tender area, I open my heart and allow the Lord to do whatever He needs to do for the chains to fall. Freedom is the goal, and I am running forward hand in hand with my Creator towards it.
Father, forgive my unbelief. Transform me by the power of Your Word. My desire is for You. My desire is for freedom. Father, remove areas in my life that hinder me from being all You created me to be. Make me into the person You see me as so I can fulfill the plan You have for me. Forgive me for doubting. I pray for the confidence only you can give. Thank you for leading me on this journey, the journey of freedom in You. I pray you would use me to reach others for You and help them as they pursue freedom. In Jesus Holy name, Amen.